random

I need to get something real...

What IS real..?

I don’t know... Sure isn’t what I have now

Everything and everyone is just a pretence

.. An act

Heh... The closest thing I have to real was the accident I missed yesterday.

That was more real than I could imagine.

it scares me... but somehow it doesn’t . That could

be because nothing happened . I was unhurt. My sister was unhurt . its also dawned on me recently that it takes a while to realize what really happened .It’s so hard to acknowledge some “real” when it happens to you , because.. These are things u see in movies... And u knows movies aren’t real.

But it does come to you... After a while... and that’s when reality sets in n fear grips you . Oh what has happened and what could have happened.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it … I could have gotten hit by that bus... I could have died. My sister could have died.. or only she would have died n I would have to live with that . A whole lot of different possibilities went through my head afterwards. My eyes are tearing up as I even write this.

I saw that same scenario again and again in my head. I was scary and it was my fault.

It was completely my fault. I am immature and I am a shitty rider. I’ve come to realize that now. I should not rise again... For my or anyone’s safety. Kind of ironic because my father always used to say I’d end up killing someone if I drove and he never let me drive. This is also why it always excited me to prove him wrong. Oh it was scary and it was real. I couldn’t believe it was real... And to help me ‘un’believe it .. I drank. It helped. Someone told me there was someone watching from above who made sure nothing happened to us. But who wud help me. Now I just sound like I’m self-pitying. I hate myself, and so I have no right to self pity.

As I said when I started writing... I need something real. Not so real as to take my life but something real but what is real..?

I thought getting into relationship wud be real... Or having good friends would be real …

Who am I kidding …   I don’t think that’s real … maybe I’m just saying that because I’m incapable of both.

And no I’m not self pitying, I, just saying that I could be wrong. But people are not real. to others , I maybe a pretense too. I actually am a pretense. An act. A bastard trying to be a good guy . a good guy trying to be a bastard  . I won’t say anything about myself. u wise cracks will think I’m a hypocrite and I’m self pitying .

But, I can’t learn to trust anyone. Everyone is just a normal person.. Right?

I think sometimes that... Everyone is like me... they all were born the same way.. We’re raised the same way .. Well almost everyone... I can’t say there aren’t exceptions.. But I’m talking generally.. we were mostly told the same things.. As in what is right and what is wrong.

And in each person’s mind, we each want almost the same things.

Like…  to get rich .. that’s the most classic one I guess.

But another example wud be .. to be a good person . no one is a bad person by nature.. I mean no one woke up one day and decided I’d be a bad person..

In every one’s mind, they think and feel the same way as everyone else .

I am not getting to what I want to convey.. right now this is sounding like im trying to be writier.,. an optimistic writer . That’s my fault.

Let me phrase this more correctly

No one’s naturally a dick .,

Public opinion is the same .and people can be swayed easily . what they want and can have aren’t decided by them but society . choice is kind of an illusion . 

This is hard to understand I guess because I just realized this just now . I said it was an illusion because … think about this ..

What do you want

Why do u want it

Don’t tell me that wanting that wasn’t influenced by something .

Our influences decide what we want . and they did decide what we want and its already in our heads. Quoting inception… an idea is like a virus .it will grow and then shape your being .

I’m sure I’m not the only person whose thought of this so far… this doesn’t mean I’m not affected by.. I’m looking at my life right now and I think most of the things I want were influenced by movies and what people think of me.

How would I have turned out in another reality?

But if I were to look at reality again keeping the fact that choice is an illusion in my mind, you’d say that I believe in fate.

That’s one way to think about it, I mean if everything we do was already decided, then fate must be true

But everything we do, each difference we make sets forth a chain reaction. Me missing a bus, or forgetting to brush my teeth in the morning might have made a difference so big that the entire future changes. This I’ve found very amusing. Had I made a few different choices in the past, I might not have been sitting here and writing this out of some misplaced sense of self pity and false sense of fake brilliance. I might not even be alive today.

I went waaay off topic….

What should I do…?

Keep living this life of pretense where everyone strives to survive just to live till I possibly can, thinking that I made a difference to the world or at least transferred my legacy to the new generation... Well that is what most people end up accomplishing...

7 billion people... Dying and living… and dying... and living…what’s it all for … even I’m asking the question now…

I am not a believer. I guess... but there’s this part of me that scared of accepting it.. I think that’s from growing up in a Christian family and being told that is sin… it’s like how your parents train you.. Lying is bad.. Stealing is bad... Picking your nose is bad...

U knows deep inside that its wrong. You think it’s wrong because is or because someone’s been telling you that from when u were a wee lil kid.

So yeah, I’m partially non believer.

I guess the Darwin theory makes more sense. Doesn’t mean I agree with it...  Humans are also just animals.

Simple but complex animals. Just like any other animal on earth. We are driven by our brain... Just like any other animal… ours is just a lot smarter is all .

Hence I could say... That all the rules that religion and society came up with are absolute Donkey shit...

Our wants, our goals were and are things that people made up. Everything is made up. By people. For people. It’s all a big bunch of bonkers .it amazes me how many... How many people follow it? I do too... More or less... Mostly not because I want to but I’m forced to... And I hate being forced to do something.

This relates to what I was saying earlier that everyone is living a lie.

I went from what to what .I don’t care what it is that I’m writing about... I just wanted to get it out of my mind. I feel a lot calmer now.