random

I need to get something real...

What IS real..?

I don’t know... Sure isn’t what I have now

Everything and everyone is just a pretence

.. An act

Heh... The closest thing I have to real was the accident I missed yesterday.

That was more real than I could imagine.

it scares me... but somehow it doesn’t . That could

be because nothing happened . I was unhurt. My sister was unhurt . its also dawned on me recently that it takes a while to realize what really happened .It’s so hard to acknowledge some “real” when it happens to you , because.. These are things u see in movies... And u knows movies aren’t real.

But it does come to you... After a while... and that’s when reality sets in n fear grips you . Oh what has happened and what could have happened.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it … I could have gotten hit by that bus... I could have died. My sister could have died.. or only she would have died n I would have to live with that . A whole lot of different possibilities went through my head afterwards. My eyes are tearing up as I even write this.

I saw that same scenario again and again in my head. I was scary and it was my fault.

It was completely my fault. I am immature and I am a shitty rider. I’ve come to realize that now. I should not rise again... For my or anyone’s safety. Kind of ironic because my father always used to say I’d end up killing someone if I drove and he never let me drive. This is also why it always excited me to prove him wrong. Oh it was scary and it was real. I couldn’t believe it was real... And to help me ‘un’believe it .. I drank. It helped. Someone told me there was someone watching from above who made sure nothing happened to us. But who wud help me. Now I just sound like I’m self-pitying. I hate myself, and so I have no right to self pity.

As I said when I started writing... I need something real. Not so real as to take my life but something real but what is real..?

I thought getting into relationship wud be real... Or having good friends would be real …

Who am I kidding …   I don’t think that’s real … maybe I’m just saying that because I’m incapable of both.

And no I’m not self pitying, I, just saying that I could be wrong. But people are not real. to others , I maybe a pretense too. I actually am a pretense. An act. A bastard trying to be a good guy . a good guy trying to be a bastard  . I won’t say anything about myself. u wise cracks will think I’m a hypocrite and I’m self pitying .

But, I can’t learn to trust anyone. Everyone is just a normal person.. Right?

I think sometimes that... Everyone is like me... they all were born the same way.. We’re raised the same way .. Well almost everyone... I can’t say there aren’t exceptions.. But I’m talking generally.. we were mostly told the same things.. As in what is right and what is wrong.

And in each person’s mind, we each want almost the same things.

Like…  to get rich .. that’s the most classic one I guess.

But another example wud be .. to be a good person . no one is a bad person by nature.. I mean no one woke up one day and decided I’d be a bad person..

In every one’s mind, they think and feel the same way as everyone else .

I am not getting to what I want to convey.. right now this is sounding like im trying to be writier.,. an optimistic writer . That’s my fault.

Let me phrase this more correctly

No one’s naturally a dick .,

Public opinion is the same .and people can be swayed easily . what they want and can have aren’t decided by them but society . choice is kind of an illusion . 

This is hard to understand I guess because I just realized this just now . I said it was an illusion because … think about this ..

What do you want

Why do u want it

Don’t tell me that wanting that wasn’t influenced by something .

Our influences decide what we want . and they did decide what we want and its already in our heads. Quoting inception… an idea is like a virus .it will grow and then shape your being .

I’m sure I’m not the only person whose thought of this so far… this doesn’t mean I’m not affected by.. I’m looking at my life right now and I think most of the things I want were influenced by movies and what people think of me.

How would I have turned out in another reality?

But if I were to look at reality again keeping the fact that choice is an illusion in my mind, you’d say that I believe in fate.

That’s one way to think about it, I mean if everything we do was already decided, then fate must be true

But everything we do, each difference we make sets forth a chain reaction. Me missing a bus, or forgetting to brush my teeth in the morning might have made a difference so big that the entire future changes. This I’ve found very amusing. Had I made a few different choices in the past, I might not have been sitting here and writing this out of some misplaced sense of self pity and false sense of fake brilliance. I might not even be alive today.

I went waaay off topic….

What should I do…?

Keep living this life of pretense where everyone strives to survive just to live till I possibly can, thinking that I made a difference to the world or at least transferred my legacy to the new generation... Well that is what most people end up accomplishing...

7 billion people... Dying and living… and dying... and living…what’s it all for … even I’m asking the question now…

I am not a believer. I guess... but there’s this part of me that scared of accepting it.. I think that’s from growing up in a Christian family and being told that is sin… it’s like how your parents train you.. Lying is bad.. Stealing is bad... Picking your nose is bad...

U knows deep inside that its wrong. You think it’s wrong because is or because someone’s been telling you that from when u were a wee lil kid.

So yeah, I’m partially non believer.

I guess the Darwin theory makes more sense. Doesn’t mean I agree with it...  Humans are also just animals.

Simple but complex animals. Just like any other animal on earth. We are driven by our brain... Just like any other animal… ours is just a lot smarter is all .

Hence I could say... That all the rules that religion and society came up with are absolute Donkey shit...

Our wants, our goals were and are things that people made up. Everything is made up. By people. For people. It’s all a big bunch of bonkers .it amazes me how many... How many people follow it? I do too... More or less... Mostly not because I want to but I’m forced to... And I hate being forced to do something.

This relates to what I was saying earlier that everyone is living a lie.

I went from what to what .I don’t care what it is that I’m writing about... I just wanted to get it out of my mind. I feel a lot calmer now.

Another crossroad

                          Its been a while. I didn't write because I had lost the reason to write again . It's really pointless when you think about it . What's the point of all this anyway. Who the fuck is going to read all this . But alas, here I am. I'm not writing now because I found a reason to write. I didn't, attempt I think so . This is a really huge crossroad I'm at. I finished twelfth. My phone life is over ! Well, it's been over for a while. I mean it's halfway through June already. Oh god , how fast it all went by . I moved my home to thoduuzha about a month ago. Life here is miserable . It really is . I am fed up with doing nothing . There is no one here . The only thing I have to keep myself from going insane is my mobile phone and Internet. I didn't have that too , then god knows what my state would have been .

Anyway, I did decide where to go for college .it's where I had decided I wouldn't go even if someone told me to go by holding me at gunpoint. But when time started moving and knowing that I had shitty marks in my boards , I had little option. Sure enough I could have gotten in anywhere. But at that time I panicked . Well, whatever . I really don't care what happens .if decide to join visvajyothi college of engineering . The college is knows for its strictness . Yay!

I'll be joining it's hostel too. So I'm finally out the house . That's one of the things about this that I like . I don't have to stay here anymore . Oh thank god . I wouldn't have been able to handle it here anymore . There people cant stand me and I can't stand them. It's a win win . They should have put me in a hostel or something sooner . It would have saved me a lot of mental stress .

That aside , I am used to the idea that I can't see my old friends anymore by now . It's hard though . I will miss each and everyone of them . No matter how they may think about me . I wish it hadn't ended so soon . I still do chat with old friends but the talks are really bitter . I'm sorry if the things I say don't make sense . After all I'm the only one who knows what the heck in talking about . There are people I don't talk to too . Maybe it's my ego. I've had people tell me on several occasions that I have a huge ego . Maybe it's true . But I can't just dump my ego .
Anyway, everyone i know is moving on to their own paths . Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one behind , still thinking about the past . Maybe I am. As if it matters . I'm maybe just not happy with the choices in made . There are things going could have done much differently. It might have made a huge difference. I wonder that if the slightest action in made in the past resulted in what I am now or what connections in have now , if I had not done what I did , how things would have turned out . For example if I never became friends with Kevin. The yolos would have never been . Funny how things work . Sometimes I wonder if there never should have been a gang like that .

I think understand a bit about how I am . I search for a place . A place among people . People i belong with . I yearn for friends who would accept me for who I am . Friends who would think me as important as I think of them .
I guess I just want to be wanted . I've always longed for it . Till tenth grade I've never fit in anywhere . I was always alone . So when someone particular started paying me some attention . I went batshit crazy . Then in eleventh , I found friends I could belong with . It felt good . It got to my head . True , but can you blame me for having something I've always wanted ? Maybe it's because I let it get to my head that in the end . I never belonged . Other people obviously have their gazillion friends and gangs and people who they belong with . So the final idiot was me . None of that matters .
When I get to college , I'll just have to make some amazing friends . People my say that you're best friends are the ones you find in college . Who knows, possibilities . It should be better if I don't get my hopes up high because I've found that if I get my hopes up , it definitely won't happen .

I'm writing random things that come into my mind . So there really isn't any point in reading this . Truth is , this Blog was meant for me to write whatever I want . Anyway , I'll leave you for now .

To be continued. . .

Connections and Solitude

I was going to start by saying how long its been since i last wrote , but then i dismissed that because , well , i'm doing it at the start of every post . I should have wrote but i didn't because of many reasons . One of which is my unbelievable laziness , lack of proper technology to write with (i lost one humungous post that i put all my heart into because of bad internet connection and since then i've not felt like writing ) . Also, i might have leaked that i have such a website to a couple of people . It's not that I don't trust them but it takes away my sense of privacy . I couldn't write freely anymore . But honestly i don't care about that now . Although i hope that they don't let me down for i cannot lose faith in those very few people as i don't have faith in just about anyone . You will notice that i'm speaking in a sort of 19th century english . You have shakespear and arthur conan doyle (sherlock) to blame for that . I know , you must be think "this little shit is reading sherlock when she should be prepping for his boards ! " it's true and i know it too . My boards are coming up . And i'm barely BARELY prepared . I really am sacred . Though , if you see me now , you really won't feel that im sacred . Im the biggest slacker if there ever was one ! Just one month left . God help me ! Speaking of god , im apparently going for mass every day in the morning . You may think me a devotee but fret not . I'm being compelled by the principle of the school to go . Actually , i'll be honest , i kinda like the guy , he is better than the last guy and is going comparatively easier on me . What gives huh ? Okay enough about that . There are many things that happened and i should have written i didn't and there is no point in thinking about it . I'm not going to write it either . Unless i feel there is something interesting and important i should mention , i won't . So getting down to why i'm really writing this post today , because you know i only write when i'm sad or depressed or i really need to get something off my chest . [ Connections] You need connections . My god . You need connections . The old me , that is the me till 10th didn't have a lot of connections . And i don't blame him . I didn't need connections then , nor did that ever disturb me as all the connections i needed were there for me on the internet in the form of awesome shows and song and whatnot . But after i hit 11th i started gaining connections . Then i made a few friends and just sticked to them . I let all my other connections slide past . That was a huge mistake . I was under the impression that all you need are a few good friends and not a gazillion friends . But i was wrong !! The only result you'll get by just holding on to few friends is loneliness . Yeah , there are quite a lot of times i feel lonely . It's true , i made just a few good friends who're never around . Sigh . I hate being lonely . I seriously seriously hate it . I was like this once before too and i hated it then too . At the same time , i don't feel like i can associate with the normal guys now . I'm no model citizen and there's really nothing special about me , but i just can't seem to blend in with others now . See . . Lonely . It's my fault only . But there's no point in beating myself over it . And hence i made a decision to go out and make a few good friends . Not like how it is now .for keeps . Well , when i've dealt with the fucking boards i mean . But you know , they say you make the best of you're friends in college . That's true when you think about it you know . I hope i do get into some good college and make awesome friends . Knowing my attitude , that'll be tough . I'm really a normal pavam guy but i can't let others see that . :-P Well thats it . I'm tired of typing . Untill next post , bye .

The Catalyst Theory

The Catalyat Theory by "Topsy Kret"(that's me) .

Have you felt really depressed and don't know why ? Have you felt that everything around you annoys you and that no one likes you all if a sudden and you don't even know why?

Well , I think you know why . I think you know exactly why . And that reason is eating you up from the inside .  I call it the catalyst theory. 
Of course it's nothing new and people have already probably wrote loads of things about it but I personally felt the catalyst theory working for me plenty of times .

Basically, when you have particular problem, whatever it is (eg. Girl/Boy trouble ) and it's there deep in you're mind , it acts like a catalyst . Just like in a chemical reaction . A catalyst is used to increase the the rate of the reaction or speed up the reaction. Similarly , that particular problem will act as catalyst and and make you feel terrible . All your normal problems will be much much more depressing than they usually are . Maybe this has something to do with the magical woodoo habbabulooo that goes on in our brains . Who knows .

And another case I find interesting is that we don't even know what's the problem . Oh , but we do. We just don't want to face it . We completely blind ourselves to the problem.  Doesn't mean it goes away though. It may be because we don't know what to do about the problem or we can't do any thing about it or it's just too painful to face .

I've had this plenty of times . During the last one year . "That's" probably been my problem . Can't do anything about it though.

Anyway , I suggest fix the problem and be awesome again . No other solution . Don't take my word for it though, I'm crazy.

Well , I wanted to write this post more properly . And I could only do that with the emotions I was feeling when I came up with the idea . Right now , I don't feel anything . Another reason why I should not wait to write a post . 
Thats it . Adios.

All fresh !

Hola mimios !! This may be the very first time that I am actually writing a post when i am not in a very bad mood. Why am i in such a good mood well that is something that i will tell you later .

For starters i will explain the time period . Its almost the end of july and i'm just done with my terminal exams. Those exams were a bunch of tough cookies. One managed to crumble too . Sad . But I will strive towards baking a full batch . I've got lots of things to do for tomorrow , my god . And I'm here writing this .

You know how I keep telling things about loosing friends and apparent love and all . The thing is , it's right and wrong . The worlds actually listens to you . Whatever it is that you want , will it , try for it and it will happen . Would you want to sit crying over a lost friend or try to regain that  friend . Or even make 4 more in his or her place , still beats wallowing over it . It's as you want it to be . No one's gonna make way for you . You gota make you'r own way . I guess the one who makes the effort gets it . Another way of thinking . Once you let go , what's the point in anything . Another thing I've learnt a few days ago is that who ever u have a quarrel or some kinda problem with . NEVER avoid them . Never stop talking to them . Shove you'r effing ego . Silence never fixes anything . Ever . Don't be crying i lost him or her later . I actually got that from an expert . Or so he says .

Remember , I'm saying all this because I am in a good mood . So , if I say the opposite in another post , the jokes on you . That's that . I went out with the yolos . Great day . Amazing . Wow . Hope I remember it , which I really can't . Don't know why ! Does that have anything to do with my good mood ? Yeah it probably does .
It's 2 in the morning and I've still got work to do.  Until next time folks.. Ciao

Confusing terms .. hate and dislike

What do you think it means to hate someone ? Or dislike someone . Or secretly adore that someone .
I dont know I'm afraid.
How can someone mean so many things to me at the same time. A good friendship that's gone down never comes back as pure as it used to be. That's the truth. I guess there's no point in hating soneone because it just didn't work out . And then beating yourself up over it.
As someone told me , don't think about what can happen or can't . It's not complicated . You're just making it so .
Decide , is that person important to you or not . It's not an easy decision . And you'll probably make the wrong one .
But hopefully you'll make the right one and act on it . As I just recently decided , no . I think im gonna make it work this time . I can't long on to stupid connections . I curse myself for actually calling it stupid knowing how good it was when it lasted .
But move on I shall .

True meanings

Greetings ,
Well, it's been a while. And I'm really bored so i thought I'd write again. Im in my twelveth grade. I realize my writing has gottwn really boring.  It sucks. I can't exactly fake creativity . But , I shall try my best . It reallh depends on my mood . And I usually write when I'm in a bad mood . So you can understand why my writing is boring . Yeah , I suppose I'm at a crossroad in my life . But, honestly,  my path is pretty straight. Untill this year is over atleast . Because all I have to do now is study.  Priority no. 1 . That would have done any good if I actually treated that as priority no. 1 . I really lack focus and  determination . That sucks too . Oh yeah , I've got exams coming up on monday.  That's it for my life right now. 

You know what , I'm gonna make this a daily thing . This time for sure .
I've gained freinds , lost friends . But I guess that's the circle . A sad yet hopefull circle . But as a friend told me the previous day , the friends who really want to stay , stay . Otherwise they never really were your friends to begin with . Won't do any good by beating yourself up over it . So move on man . Atlest that's what I think right now. Who knows what I'll think tomorrow . Im so changeable. And that sucks too . Yeah I'm saying all this because I think I've lost another close friend . I first started being frustrated about it but then , even if it's happening exactly like "last" time , why should I get hurt . Besides ,  I'll live . So that's it for today , let me go study . ;-)